Will you make my heart stop?
My last desperate prayer as I sank in my bed that night.
I was ready for His response.
The last two weeks of Lent have revealed the darkest places in my heart and the worst of all thoughts. I did not want to go on living like a fraud. I say one thing but my heart says another. I couldn’t trust myself and I was exhausted trying to hold it together. If I continue to be a disgrace to Him, what’s the point of going on?
Still the next day, He woke me up. So I said, “ I’m giving up running this show. This life is yours, to begin with. Do with it as you please. All I desire right now is to devote myself to you. But I don’t even know how or where to start. Please show me the way”.
Have you ever felt that nudge from a Higher power, so overwhelming it can’t be ignored?
“My heart is restless until it rests in you”.St. Augustine
My restlessness led me to the path of searching for answers, beginning with knowing,
- the things I cannot afford to let go of,
- the impurities of my heart
- the amount of compassion I’m capable of
- the strength of my love
- the depth of my devotion
Most of the answers we seek don’t come easily.
At times they don’t even come at all.
But as I resolve to recognize this season as a part of the journey, I just kept on walking even if I couldn’t see the whole road up ahead.
If we fail today, it won’t be the last time.
The journey is hardly ever a straight line.
We win and we lose.
Happy and sad times make up our lives, as much as victories and defeats.
Nothing is really permanent. If we maintain that perspective, we will have the courage and care to go through anything, knowing that someday soon it will be over, and things will get better.
There has to be more.
This is what I believe and secretly hope for.
But right now my life is at a standstill. I’m waiting for Him to stir things up.
Friends have warned me to be careful what I ask for. But I can never be scared. Time and again, the struggles I face reveal my flaws and my gifts, my dependencies and my autonomy, and whether these are right or wrong in any given situation. I’m curious to see what lies ahead, What possibilities can there be.
Months or years from now our circumstances will change.
To some, it’s something to worry about.
But to me, it’s an exciting time to look forward to.
We have lived most of our lives hesitating or struggling mostly out of fear.
We have never experienced true freedom.
We have not freely given or laid down our life for someone.
Nor have we freely given our time or our love.
There’s always something we wish to get in return.
Until then, I expect my prayer to remain.
“Will you make my heart stop”?
As I close my eyes and let go of everything, my heartbeat slowed down.
And it became steady.
My Father will be who He says He is.
I am His, and He is mine.